A Labour Prime Minister. The Rules. Make sure he (it must be a man) has working class roots. I emphasise ‘roots’ because he can’t be too working class as that might mean he’d want fundamental change (the establishment would never put up with that). Make sure he’s attended the right schools, at the very least a good grammar school or overachieving comprehensive run by an Ofsted approved super head. Make sure his degree is from Oxbridge or a ‘Russell Group’ university. This is non-negotiable. Make sure he has worked his way through the usual Labour channels and has worked in the public sector or in any job where the public has been served (working in a restaurant, shop or food bank does not count). In addition, it would be preferable that he has always been a lifelong Labour Party member or supporter. Evidence of random tweets for any other party or political group is evidence of disloyalty and would render him immediately ineligible. As is any suggestion that he believes in tactical voting or proportional representation. Regarding appearance, he must be bland, or to put it another way look like he’s ‘a normal British man’ of average height, weight and foot size. Needless to say, that also means no facial scars, no visible tattoos, no physical disabilities. Male pattern baldness could also be an issue; please consult sub sections 3.4 and 3.5 of this document. Suits and ties are, of course, standard and must be purchased at an approved retailer, where special Westminster rates apply. Smart casual is only an option when trying to ‘connect’ with inner city youth or when meeting people from the entertainment or sporting worlds. However, knowledge of popular culture is not considered a requirement of the role. Please bear in mind that bland is as bland does. Raging passions are not encouraged. If there’s a parapet the PM’s head is not encouraged to rise above it. If there’s a popular cause the PM’s name must not be attached to it. Anything that is likely to be considered against the UK’s economic interests must not to be mentioned outside private briefings with senior civil servants. In fact, public discourse of any kind is to be discouraged unless first approved by the PM’s special adviser (please see the rules pertaining to this role). Fast moving current events are not to be used as a way of grandstanding or showing off how ‘on trend’ the Prime Minister is with the rest of the world. Bearing this in mind, off the cuff remarks are not allowed under any circumstances. Fraternising with the public is also not advised as this role requires distance, and, although some people may disagree, the ‘Westminster bubble’ is a bubble for very good reasons. In finishing I implore you to follow these rules to the letter. If so, a non-eventful, unexceptional four years in power is guaranteed.