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The Crack Magazine



Arise Sir Bumble, liar and thief. Wanted dead or alive for crimes against humanity, sincerity and fashion sense.

“He who tells a lie is not sensible of how great a task he undertakes; for he must be forced to invent twenty more to maintain that one.” Bumble doesn’t seem to know his Alexander Pope, which is very odd, because I thought Pope was one of those set text authors that prep schools, public schools, Oxbridge and, therefore, Bumble take ever so seriously. Still, I suppose he can tick the box “knows about 18th century English poetry” so the lower orders think he’s clever, when, in fact, he’s just some bumbling oaf who happened to be born with a silver spoon in his gob and a Tory Party rosette stapled to his arse. Arise Sir Bumble, liar and thief. Wanted dead or alive for crimes against humanity, sincerity and fashion sense. Still, Bumble doesn’t care. He’s always had a conservative cohort of media and Oxbridge enablers behind and upfront to obfuscate and confuse, and so successful was this cohort that it quite remarkably managed to wangle him into the position of leader of the Tory Party. But ever the arrogant blowhard, his inexplicable lies and incompetence led Dumbly Bumbly to a great fall. Where to start? Christmas Partygate and the many examples of leaving dos, birthday parties, drink ups and government rule-breaking during lockdown – and don’t forget the reported, “Let the bodies pile high” quote; Wallpapergate; the so called, but non-existent, Brexit ‘bounce’; the madness of key adviser Dominic Cummings; the PPE scandal where established PPE suppliers were ignored in favour of friends and associates of senior Tories; the list goes on and on. His team’s response: Bumble’s not guilty. “Not guilty” the age-old cry of the liar caught with his hands in the till and his pants down by his ankles. This fall from grace hasn’t stopped him, though, and Team Bumble remain ready to support him any time he opens his mouth, holds out his hand and runs (in some very sloppy running gear) to deposit yet more ill-gotten gains into his bank account. Of course, when Bumble is up to his neck in it and things get a bit hot, his greatest asset is GI Joe Volodymyr ‘photo op’ Zelenskyy who’s always ready to shake hands and persuade the world that Bumble is one hell of a tough hombre. When a nasty old war is preferable to the arc lights of a television studio, being served powder puff questions by an Oxbridge mate from the Bumble Broadcasting Corporation, you have to question his sanity. Sane or not, the future for Bumble is looking bright. There’s the new book, the new bunce and at some point in the future, based on previous behaviour, the new bed mate and, if all that unravels, there’s always Kyiv, Myanmar, Monaco or any other foreign destination which values the quality of his credit more than the quality of his character, and, you know what, that suits Bumble just fine.