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The Crack Magazine



“Why the majority of the electorate voted for him in 2019 will continue to be completely inexplicable to Snapper…”

The trouble with Boris Johnson is that he ticks too many boxes. Not good boxes. The kind of horrible dislikeable boxes that Snapper has been kicking around for years. Eton? Tick. Oxbridge? Tick. Tory? Tick. Racist? Tick. Sexist? Tick. Liar? Tick. Colour-blind, badly-dressed fashion disaster? Tick. A man with the reverse Midas touch in that everything he touches turns to political shit. The kind of bloke who should have been confined to the attic of his mum and awful dad’s house when young and never let out to blunder about in the modern world and into things he will never understand. Snapper continues to ponder the reasons he was let out to create chaos, when he was plainly a wrong’un (and never for one moment throughout his career was that open to any doubt), so why the majority of the electorate (not the majority of people in this country) voted for him in 2019 will continue to be completely inexplicable to Snapper - probably for the rest of his life. What did those voters think they were voting for? A career wrong’un who has always been incapable of keeping his mouth shut or his cock in his pocket. A man incapable of behaving in an appropriate way either in his public or private life. And this is where Snapper’s boxes come in. If you’re born assuming your natural right is to be born with a silver spoon in your mouth, nothing said by anyone at Eton, Oxbridge, or Tory Party central office is going to challenge that assumption no matter how unfit for public office you are. To Snapper’s way of thinking too many ticked boxes equal a permanent exclusion, or exile to one of those god forsaken foreign enclaves where British expats moan about the weather and Johnny Foreigner. After Brexit – which has pitched the country into recession –  Partygate, Pincher, the not so mysterious case of the golden wallpaper and the Owen Paterson affair among others, here we are, with Boris Johnson being asked to step down by The Nasty Party because he proved too nasty even for them. And even then, his lack of insight and humility meant that he didn’t go gently into that (politically anonymous) night but practically had to pushed out at the end of a shotgun. In normal non Trumpian times a moment of triumph for the forces of good.  Snapper, however, can’t take any pleasure in this turn of events. Snapper thinks about the wasted opportunities to reset after Covid. The wasted opportunities to rethink our relationship to big business and plan for a future where climate change and reduced natural resources may mean a different kind of lifestyle. A lifestyle Boris Johnson and The Tory Party couldn’t possibly imagine. No imagination? Tick. Short-termist? Tick. The worst prime minister since Thatcher? Tick. The box ticking continues. The boxes piling up ready for a further kicking.