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The Crack Magazine



“Even politicians guilty of the most heinous crimes will check the Trump playbook before very reluctantly resigning…”

Professor Plum in the kitchen with the cricket bat? Boris Johnson in the garden with the Prosecco? Ms. Scarlett in the kitchen with the wrench? Keir Starmer in the office with the pint pot? You know what, there’s a part of me that doesn’t care about the answers to these questions, or even want to solve the mysteries contained within. The sad fact is, even with the answers to the above, we are living in a non-functioning democracy – a non-functioning democracy whose answers you can no longer take at face value. You could call it Trumpism, the triumph of populism’s will to render any truth open to interpretation. The Tory Party have become quick learners (as have other parties) as traditional ‘spin doctoring’ has, with Trump’s/Modi’s/Putin’s help, developed into a morass of half-truths, mendacity and plain old bullshit. What is the truth in a post-truth world, when a straightforward question is met with a less straightforward lie? Oh, I remember when (play heart rending, swelling music of choice) politicians would admit to their mistakes and resign, not necessarily on the spot, but with a bit of gentle prodding. Today, however, even politicians guilty of the most heinous crimes will check the Trump playbook before very reluctantly resigning. And, of course, if politicians lie about themselves, their lies about everything else are a morass of off the record briefings, tabloid and broadsheet interventions and squalls of chat fart around the old canard of, “Oh, I think I’ve been misquoted”. The Tory Party - the nasty party’s nasty party - are particularly adept at getting British turkeys to vote for Christmas. Brexit is proof of that. So are food banks. And wage busting fuel bills. And out of control inflation. And having to buy own brand dog food instead of Heinz baked beans. Think about it, yeah? Or don’t. Either way we’re in very deep shit surrounded by idiots who have no intention of rescuing us. Which, of course, is the Tory Party libertarian world view. If you’re in deep you have to help yourselves, and, please, let’s have no whataboutery regarding whether the Tory Party have the family connections and masses of offshore and onshore bank accounts to render the ‘help yourself’ philosophy non applicable to themselves. The message: do as we say, because you can’t afford to do as we do. Not that they’d admit that because that would be telling the truth, and, as we all know, they prefer lying. The answer of course, you know I’d get round to it eventually, is never play Cluedo with a politician. There’s only so many times you can say, are you sure, are you sure Plum wasn’t seen leaving the office with a loaded gun, twenty bottles of Prosecco and briefing notes and prompts for the next day’s news conference to try and persuade us that, in fact, he never actually went to the office in the first place…