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The Crack Magazine

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What Fresh Hell Is This?

Apparently it’s easier to get hold of a gallon of petrol than it is to bag yourself a pair of Lidl’s own-brand trainers. Why? By any measure, they’re an absolute abomination.

There’s an episode of The Simpsons in which Homer is given free rein to design a car for a company that is being run by his long-lost brother. Homer – not a natural fit for the “less is more” train of thought – really lets rip and kits out his dream car with extravagant tail fins, bubble domes (yes, plural) and shag carpeting. Needless to say, ‘The Homer’ (“Powerful like a gorilla, yet soft and yielding like a Nerf ball”) swiftly becomes the ugliest car on the market and puts his brother’s company out of business. All of which brings us round to these trainers from Lidl. They look as though they have been designed by, if not Homer himself, then a bunch of primary school kids who have been asked to shout out what they’d like to see included in their ultimate pair of trainers. “Colours! Lots of colours!” What kind of colours? “Yellow!” What sort of yellow? “Bright yellow! And red!” What sort of red? “Bright red! And blue!” What sort of blue? “Bright blue!” What about the soles? “Big! And white! With massive grips!” Apparently the trainers have been such a hit with hipsters that Lidl have been selling out of them as soon as they hit the shelves. What these hipsters don’t realise, however, is that people won’t be pointing at them in the street and saying, “Hey! That person really knows how to rock an anti-fashion look.” No. They’ll be pointing at them and saying, “That person has got the clothes sense of a dickhead.” RM