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Queer Editorial

rsz_1_back_yard.jpg Spartacus

Pensioner pop group The Camp Vamps are self-isolating in a hot tub in Heaton. Entertaining other isolated oldies with renditions of ‘Should I Stay or Should I Go’ + ‘I Predict a Virus’, their voices are reverberating down the Victoria tunnel scaring children. Recently awarded sexiest pensioner pop performers of the year by LFest, the festival for lesbians who like fleeces, polis, primary school teachers + Union Jack flags, the Camp Vamps have refused an offer to perform this year as their usual rider of a Shetland pony each, oral morphine and a hot tub for post gig hospitality has been unjustly refused. Rumours about the wig wearing pensioners’ health began to resurface recently after they also turned down a gig at Sappho Women - International Eressos Women’s Festival in September. “It’s not our health that’s the worry,” Danish sex symbol + founder member Van Jellie told Queer Crack, “It’s the audiences’ health, most of them are 20 odd years aulder than us + when we last played two years ago quite a few couldn’t cope during the infamous Sweet Dreams orgasm scene. They kept playing it through the village sound system - it was like spontaneous lesbian combustion.”

Top Tips To Stop Corona Virus Crisis

Make a Boris Johnson head out of a pillow case stuffed with your nanna’s auld nylons. Sew on tiny pink buttons eyes + make hair out of cotton wool. Take the time to make it really look like him, with invisible eye brows, mealworm mouth + sew on see through beads to represent the sweat on his massive panicking forehead.

Get to know your neighbours.

Ask your neighbours to make other members of the cabinet: they could make a Jacob Rees Mogg by using a broomstick with nails hammered in for eyes, in fact just hammer lots of nails into a broomstick whilst thinking of Jacob Rees Mogg.


Attach the heads to broomshanks + keeping a safe distance apart from your neighbours march briskly up and down your street waving your Boris pillowheed and Jacob broomstick shouting, “What a bunch of CUNTS.”

Don’t panic, self care.

It’s easy to get overwhelmed, take your bra off + relax, put your big knickers on, eat chocolate + have a wank (don’t worry God’s not watching - except if you’re a catholic, of course He’s watching you).

Support economic recovery.

Stockpile like a capitalist. Buy all the gin in all the shops in your local area + pretend it’s for your elderly neighbours.

Use technology to connect.

Drink all the wine you’ve been stockpiling, rub yourself in hand sanitizer + start sending topless selfies with all the toilet roll you’ve been hoarding to all the what’s app groups you can find. Wear a wig - no one will know it’s you.

Think of the vulnerable.

Remember, Pat Raffles only got one lung.


We are the Greenham Common generation, pass me a shell suit + my hemp tote bag, I’m off to loot Waitrose.

Goodbye and good luck, Spartacus x