Top Tips To Stop Corona Virus Crisis
Make a Boris Johnson head out of a pillow case stuffed with your nanna’s auld nylons. Sew on tiny pink buttons eyes + make hair out of cotton wool. Take the time to make it really look like him, with invisible eye brows, mealworm mouth + sew on see through beads to represent the sweat on his massive panicking forehead.
Get to know your neighbours.
Ask your neighbours to make other members of the cabinet: they could make a Jacob Rees Mogg by using a broomstick with nails hammered in for eyes, in fact just hammer lots of nails into a broomstick whilst thinking of Jacob Rees Mogg.
Attach the heads to broomshanks + keeping a safe distance apart from your neighbours march briskly up and down your street waving your Boris pillowheed and Jacob broomstick shouting, “What a bunch of CUNTS.”
Don’t panic, self care.
It’s easy to get overwhelmed, take your bra off + relax, put your big knickers on, eat chocolate + have a wank (don’t worry God’s not watching - except if you’re a catholic, of course He’s watching you).
Support economic recovery.
Stockpile like a capitalist. Buy all the gin in all the shops in your local area + pretend it’s for your elderly neighbours.
Use technology to connect.
Drink all the wine you’ve been stockpiling, rub yourself in hand sanitizer + start sending topless selfies with all the toilet roll you’ve been hoarding to all the what’s app groups you can find. Wear a wig - no one will know it’s you.
Think of the vulnerable.
Remember, Pat Raffles only got one lung.
We are the Greenham Common generation, pass me a shell suit + my hemp tote bag, I’m off to loot Waitrose.
Goodbye and good luck, Spartacus x