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Our Crack Little Crack

toiletpaper.jpg Panic Buying

I wouldn’t call myself a panic buyer, per se, but I am panic-buy-curious. I’m fascinated by what people are doing with all of those toilet rolls. It’s said that opinions are like arseholes – everyone’s got one – but the most instructive thing about that well-worn phrase is the “one” bit. People have only got one arsehole: why do they need so many toilet rolls? (After reading ‘Wolf Hall’ I’ve adopted the Tudor method of wiping my bum. I use a sponge attached to a stick, which I keep in a bucket of water in the bathroom. I really must change that water.) But people are missing a trick. What they should be doing is panic buying kitchen roll. You can use that for bathroom stuff AND kitchen stuff. Double the fun. Me? I’ve been stockpiling dog food. I don’t have a dog, but if we’re plunged into a post-apocalyptic sort of world then I’m going to get one so I can be like Mad Max or Will Smith in that film (not ‘Men in Black’, not ‘Wild Wild West’. The other one). It would be so cool. Just me, my dog, and our kitchen roll. Meanwhile, Boris Johnson says that he’s not bothered if the Coronavirus reaches Downing Street. I must say, I’m pretty sanguine about that prospect, too.