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Our Crack Tongue & Groove

paltrowcandle.jpg Roy “Gwynnie” Brown

A lot of people have had their say on Gwyneth Paltrow’s vagina fixation - especially since the release of her infamous candle - but not one of them seems to have picked up on her connection with a similarly foof-fixated public figure: Roy “Chubby” Brown.

A few years ago, for reasons too mundane to go into here, I had cause to watch a lot of old Roy “Chubby” Brown clips. In among all the bits fired-up by racism and homophobia, he appeared to have a weird fixation on women’s bodies, particularly in regard to how disgusting they were. These grim jokes came to mind again recently and, although I’m sure it wasn’t her original intension, it’s all down to Gwyneth Paltrow.

She is obsessed with women’s bodies, especially vaginas, and, just like Chubby, she finds plenty going on down there to cause her much distress (although, to be fair, where Chubby is aiming for “fanny ha-ha”, she’s definitely going for “fanny peculiar”).

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve got a lot of time for the dewy faced Paltrow. As an actor she has excelled in a whole bunch of films that I like: ‘Seven’, ‘Emma’, ‘The Talented Mr Ripley’, ‘The Royal Tenenbaums’. But as a health guru she’s unhinged, going on negligent. When she had flu she told her many followers that she was going to “hit it with heat” and jump into an infra red sauna. As advice goes, it could barely have been any worse. As any doctor (or your mother) will tell you, you should take on fluids when you have flu, to hydrate yourself. Saunas, however, increase body temperature to stimulate sweat. They dehydrate you. (When you have flu you should also avoid public spaces, such as, yep, saunas.)

She has also advocated the benefits of herbal vaginal steaming. As you can probably imagine this has no medical benefit whatsoever. At best it’ll leave you significantly out of pocket and at worst you’ll get a yeast infection. And she just won’t leave vaginas alone.

In her new Netflix series ‘The Goop Lab’ she’s all over them, but, in one scene, gets hoisted by her own pudenda. “The vagina is the birth canal only,” Betty Dodson, a masturbation workshop expert tells her, continuing: “Ya wanna talk about the vulva - that’s the clitoris, the inner lips and all that good shit around it.” “I thought the vagina was the whole thing,” Paltrow simpers, with the real air of someone who doesn’t have a sodding clue what she’s talking about.

Which brings us back to Chubby. The punchline to one of his most obnoxious jokes could pretty much be the opening statement in Paltrow’s Goop manifesto: I’m no gynaecologist, but I’ll have a fookin’ good look.