< Back to results

Our Crack Little Crack

wetherspoon.jpg Tim Martin
 

There are many reasons not to like Wetherspoons supremo Tim Martin, not least for the fact that his head resembles that of the cowardly lion out of The Wizard of Oz on crystal meths (made out of papier-mâché. By six-year olds). Anyway: last week I went round to one of his pubs and began to kick all of the windows out. I just felt like it was the right thing to do. I was arrested and the courts ruled that I must do 200 hours of community service. Now, I have the highest regard for our justice system but I profoundly disagree with this ruling. And, as I understand it, my profound disagreement counts for a lot in these matters. In entirely unrelated news I see that Boris Johnson has been on the telly a lot recently. He’s another funny looking fella, isn’t he? He almost makes Tim Martin look normal. It’s as if someone has managed to animate a bag of dirty washing and then stuck a comedy wig on it. If you didn’t know who he was, and you saw him walking down the street, you’d think: look at this tit. And I know we shouldn’t judge people on their appearance but in his case I think it’s acceptable because his looks happen to match his very ugly soul.