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Our Crack Tongue & Groove

unicorn19.jpg What fresh hell is this?

There was – in tabloidese – ‘fury’ recently when Unicorn Dream cancelled an event in the north-east at which they promised to bring “real-life unicorns”.

I don’t know why people are going crazy for unicorns in this day and age. They have been extinct for god knows how long. It must be literally hundreds of years. And yet they have never been more ubiquitous. Starbucks recently saw fit to hit us up with a Unicorn Frappuccino, a lurid pink and turquoise abomination that had the distinction of looking incredibly photogenic while also tasting like actual photographic developing fluid. At Liberty in London, purveyors of high-end beauty products, they’re currently stocking a range called – sound the ‘I Swear I’m Not Making This Up’ klaxon – ‘Unicorn Snot’. In this climate it’s little wonder there are plenty of companies around who are trying to grab some of that rainbow-hued action. One such entity is Unicorn Dream who have been offering the easily enchanted the opportunity to get up close and personal with their “unicorns” (ie horses that appear to have been dunked in a big vat of melted down My Little Ponies with a Cornetto stuck on their heads). Unicorn Dream were due to set up shop in Newcastle recently but had to pull the plug because of some venue wrangle, thus depriving people the chance to meet the unicorns, ride them, and join in with their popular “unicorn poo mixing class”. No matter. If people still want to buddy-up with a mythical beast then I’m sure Boris Johnson will let them groom his Brexit deal.