< Back to results

Our Crack Tongue & Groove

mudwf.jpg What fresh hell is this?

According to this press release I’m looking at “Dirty Spa” treatments are going to be big in 2019. Therapeutic mud, anyone?

When you hear the phrase “rectal mud tampon” how do you react? Are you metaphorically bending over while thinking: “Yes please! That sounds perfectly normal! Fill me up!” or are you clenching your buttocks tight enough to crack walnuts? You might even, like myself, be wondering what on earth it could possibly mean, but will be damned to hell and back before you type “rectal mud tampon” into a search engine.

Whatever it is, it’s available from Druskininkai, a Lithuanian spa town, which, apparently, is the place to head for in 2019 if you’re after some therapeutic mud action (they also do “gynaecological mud tampons” if you want all bases covered, and – I promise I’m not making this up – “electromud”).

Over ten spas in the town offer procedures that use local mud, which is particularly peaty, and it is thought peaty mud is good for illnesses related to the digestive system, illnesses related to peripheral blood vessels and illnesses related to the nervous system (although much of this thought appears to be emanating directly from the spas themselves).

I remain singularly unconvinced. If you must spend a fortune travelling far and wide only to get covered in mud when you get there, then I recommend sticking with Glastonbury. At least that way you’ll also get to see Kylie - who’s playing the Legends slot this year - and her perfect behind (which I’m almost certain has seen hide nor hair of anything resembling a rectal mud tampon).