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Our Crack Tongue & Groove

gosling18.jpg What fresh hell is this?

Women! Have you ever fantasised about having a baby with Ryan Gosling or David Beckham? Well now you can! (Legal note: you can’t.)

When I overheard two people on the bus jabbering about “celebrity jeans” the other day I thought my eavesdropping skills were being squandered on something that really wasn’t worth my time. After all, there’s nothing celebrities won’t put their names to. Cristiano Ronaldo once shilled for ‘Facial Fitness Pao”, a Japanese product designed to strengthen the muscles in your face that you never previously thought needed strengthening, and Ozzy Osbourne was once the face of ‘I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter’. (And I would love to have been at the executive meeting that rubber-stamped that particular endorsement: ‘Hey guys! Nothing says “transfatty butter substitute” like the bloke who once bit the head off a live bat on stage’.)

So, “celebrity jeans” didn’t seem that out of the ordinary. Turns out however, my travelling companions were actually getting exercised over “celebrity genes”. Further listening in revealed that there is a sperm donor clinic in – yep – California called Cryobank and it lets women choose their sperm donor through a celebrity lookalike service.

On their online form, as well as ticking boxes for hair and eye colour, you can also add “Ben Affleck” or “Random US football player that I’ve never heard of”. Of course, there is no guarantee that your baby is actually going to look like whatever generic celeb that you click on, because, like most aspects of sperm donation, it’s a toss up.

I’m actually thinking about donating myself but I’m not sure how big the US market is for “Jimmy Nail’s uglier brother”.