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Our Crack Tongue & Groove

blackbird18.jpg What fresh hell is this?

Michael Flatley has written, directed and is about to star in Blackbird, a new feature film about a spy. Yes, THAT Michael Flatley.

Paul Gascoigne was once slated to star in an action thriller called Final Run as a heroic survivor battling aliens to save the human race. Yes, THAT Paul Gascoigne. You can even find publicity shots of him online where he is brandishing a gun and a pair of shades (at least I hope they’re publicity shots). To the surprise of no one however, but to the consternation of terrible film lovers everywhere, the project was eventually kicked into some very long grass.

Where Gazza went wrong was not financing the film himself, a problem Michael Flatley has managed to avoid by funding Blackbird’s entire production. “I’ve dreamt of making a movie since I was seven years old. Nothing great is ever easy but nothing is impossible! Job done!” he tweeted recently.

The plot? According to IMDB: “Troubled secret agent ‘Blackbird’ abruptly retires from service and opens a luxurious nightclub in the Caribbean to escape the dark shadows of his past. An old flame arrives and reignites love in his life but she brings danger with her.”

If you’re thinking: Blackbird? Sound the ‘More Alan Partridge Than Alan Partridge Klaxon’, then you wouldn’t be the only one. Needless to say, I’m desperate to catch a screening, if only to see if the Riverdance star can crowbar some of his trademark hoofing into proceedings.

I’m thinking: Exterior. Day: Blackbird is being pursued by Russian hitmen across the roof of a speeding train. Not only must our hero avoid their pistol fire, but he also needs to convey a message to his sidekick in the carriage below via Morse code. Time to deploy some nimble footwork… Or: Interior. Night: Blackbird: “Do you expect me to talk?” Doctor Thrush: “No Blackbird! I expect you to dance!”