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Our Crack Tongue & Groove

figleaf18.jpg What fresh hell is this?

I thought that as a concept ‘speed dating’ couldn’t get any more excruciating, but then I got wind of ‘naked speed dating’. I’m not usually one for overreacting but I really think that this is one of the few occasions when the army should be mobilised.

The human body should not be a source of shame; it is a beautiful thing that should be celebrated in all of its myriad of forms. Not my words, but the (probable) words of one of those god-awful naturists who always pop up in magazine articles extolling the delights of playing ping-pong in the nip. They usually go on to state that being naked is a great leveller and it offers everyone a real sense of liberation. To this I say: if you have to cast your underwear to the four winds in order to feel liberated then you should seriously consider brushing up on your John Stuart Mill.

Being naked isa source of shame, especially if your genitals happen to look like the result of some crude practical joke (ie everyone’s). Some people cannot get enough of these privates on parade however judging by the initial success of these naked speed dating events that have sprung up like unwanted erections right across London.

I attended one in the name of research and can report that they are just like normal speed dating nights but with even more arses in attendance than usual. I generally overcome my natural shyness when confronted with a whole room of strangers by picturing everyone naked, but that tactic was never going to work in this instance so I simply made my excuses and fled. As a dating concept this really is scraping the cellulite bottom of the barrel.