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Our Crack Snapper
Over the years, Bill Prole was called a Soviet spy, a homophobe, an anti-Semite, a sexist, and an all-round bad egg… The trouble with Bill Prole was that, outside his wing of the party, no one particularly liked him. And that was mainly because the mainstream media had made him an ever-present member of the ‘Loony Left’, which, over the years, had included Arthur Scargill, Derek Hatton, Ken Livingstone, Diane Abbott, Monty Snapper et al. You know, the kind of people who are brought out now and again as a threat because the right wing middle classes (as represented by The Mail and Express) need more to kick against than immigrants, 'Chavs' and the price of hedge cutters. The threat, of course, was sold as one thing but in reality centred around how social justice was to be realised in a society where the gap between rich and poor was vast: just how much were these ‘Loony Lefties’ going to tax the rich to spend on the poor? Thus, over the years, Bill Prole was called a Soviet spy, a homophobe, an anti-Semite, a sexist, and an all-round bad egg. It didn't help that he'd met with, and shaken hands with, everyone from the IRA to Hamas or that he didn't ‘get’ social media and that the befriending of the ‘enemies of my enemy’ might make him social media friends with holocaust deniers and haters of western liberalism. Of course, Bill Prole was undoubtedly arrogant and like many seventies and eighties lefties always thought that he was on the correct path to true socialism and anyone who didn't follow was either misguided or politically revisionist (and, therefore, in danger of being expelled from whatever left-wing bit of the party was currently in fashion at the time). He was also, quite understandably, paranoid about anything he said as the slightest word or phrase out of place was inevitably seized upon by his enemies in the party and press and presented as further evidence of how dangerous and threatening his views were. There were many times I thought Bill Prole should just jack the whole thing in. Give it all up as a bad job. He was never going to be allowed to become Prime Minister because those in power had too much to lose. Even if they knew the chances of him effecting root and branch changes to society were in reality impossible. Privatised, globalised, homogenised, the majority of regular voters were doing okay thanks very much and the idea of working harder in a socialist country held no appeal. Give up the chance of being a YouTube sensation to be a nurse or a teacher? Forget about it! Inevitably he lost both General Elections he fought as party leader but it didn’t stop him becoming a popular guest on countless ‘celebrity’ television programmes when he finally stopped being the nation’s whipping boy. And even The Daily Mail approved of his new cuddlier televisual image. Sting drawn, tax havens safe, everyone in their rightful place. Amen.