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Our Crack Tongue & Groove

tassels.jpg What fresh hell is this?

Several news reports last month tipped the scales at the barely credible (“Irish border is just like the one between Camden and Westminster claims Boris Johnson”) but nothing had me checking my Fake News Bullshitometer quite like a report in the Independent headed: China launches a fresh crackdown on funeral strippers.

As it turned out, these funeral strippers were real; the only fake thing in the report being some silicone breasts. But what I particularly love about the Independent headline is the word “fresh”. This was not officials attempting to nip in the bud a few isolated cases of the naked and the dead, but evidently a rolling campaign that has been undertaken by authorities because of its widespread popularity. It would seem that tear-sodden mourners in China just can’t get enough of tassel festooned young women, especially when they’re bidding adieu to dear old uncle Chen, and it’s going to take a substantial slap on the wrist for them to give it all up.

Apparently the Ministry of Culture are going to target: “Obscene, pornographic and vulgar performances” at funerals following reports in the state run Global Times about “roaring crowds, applauding and cursing as women performed.” (Applauding and cursing? How does that work? “Lovely legs! Wooo! Terrible breasts! Book!)

The reason for this boom in bums is that some rural communities in China believe that by hiring performers they can increase attendances at funerals, with high attendances being seen as a way of honouring the deceased (because nothing honours your nearest and dearest quite like watching exploited young women removing their underwear in front of baying strangers for money).

I don’t think the practice will catch on in the UK (“I’m sorry for your loss but thanks for the tits”) which, given the lairyness of some of my male relations, is just as well. The only stiffy I want to see at a funeral is the corpse.