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Our Crack Tongue & Groove

hoffcruise.jpg What fresh hell is this?

If you’re on the look out for the kind of offer you simply can refuse then can we point you in the direction of: David Hasselhoff – The Official World Fan Cruise.

This is not a drill.

It’s striking when, given one known trait of a particular person, you can – with some degree of accuracy – assign others traits to them that say something about their character. Most people, for instance, who voted to leave the European Union last year are also firm believers in bringing back the death penalty. Similarly, it’s generally accepted that people who refer to David Hasselhoff as “David Hasselhoff” are well-rounded individuals who are likely to touch the heart of those whose paths they cross as they merrily wend their way through life, while those people who refer to David Hasselhoff as “The Hoff” are all irredeemable arseholes.

And those people will no doubt be packed aboard ‘The Hoff Fan Cruise’ that is setting sail in November along with the man himself and ‘Team Hoff’. Cruises are pretty rum dos at the best of times but imagine being trapped on board with The Hoff, The Hoff’s daughters, The Hoff’s fiancée, The Hoff’s friends and The Hoff’s fans. It would make the oppression of The Handmaid’s Tale look like a weekend in Butlin’s, with literally no chance of escape. The ship appears to be of Italian origin – it’s docking at three different Italian ports – and, funnily enough, the negligent captain of that Italian cruise ship that sank a few years ago is released from jail soon. Don’t bother setting up a Kickstarter page to get him assigned to this cruise, however. I’ve already done it.