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Our Crack Tongue & Groove

hamperhell.jpg What fresh hell is this?

If you’re still looking for that elusive spirit of Christmas (and want to jam it through a wood chipper) then we heartily recommend you get your order in for the Harrods Decadence Hamper (yours for £20,000).

I did once receive a Christmas hamper as a present a few years ago. I say hamper, it was more a wicker basket full of exotic fruits. I say exotic fruits, they were Granny Smiths. And - apart from a ticket to see a five-hour production charting the rise and fall of the Jacobean uprising using shadow puppets - it was the single worst thing that anyone has ever bought in my name.

Hampers are just plain weird, the only good thing about them being the actual hamper itself, as they usually have a nice Famous Five Go Bothering The Country Folk vibe about them. But – SOUND THE TRADE DESCRIPTIONS KLAXON - this Harrods Decadence Hamper doesn’t even come in an actual hamper. Instead it arrives in: “A fleet of trunks, filled to the brim with a line-up of fine wines, Champagne and spirits, cured meats, exotic teas and coffees and timeless Christmas favourites”. (And yes, those timeless Christmas favourites do turn out to be Christmas crackers; and no, those crackers do not contain the diamond rings the 20 grand outlay would suggest.)

What you do get is Réviseur Extra “Origin” Cognac, Ferreira Vintage Port and Beluga caviar; but, like all festive hampers, it contains items that you’ll never touch in a million years (candied chestnuts glazed in sweet vanilla syrup made to a traditional 17th century French recipe) but not the stuff that you simply cannot get through Christmas without (Twiglets).