Our Crack Tongue & Groove
Make Trump a reality (show)
Who would have thought that after being cast as the anti-Christ by rabid Republicans, President Obama would actually leave the White House with soaring approval ratings. But as the US’s first supposedly “hip-hop” president, he has been nothing short of a disaster for the gangsta-rap community who feel he has not been down on the bitches nearly as much as he might have been. And it’s those discarded NWA fans that Donald Trump is surely dog-whistling to with his carefully targeted allusions to “grabbing ‘em by the pussy”, which I believe is a line cheekily culled from a Notorious B.I.G. b-side. Either that, or he really is the first man running to be Commander in Chief on a Let’s Normalise Sexual Abuse/Black Lives Don’t Matter, dream-ticket. But could there be a little part of us that wants to see Trump in the White House? Obviously I’m talking about the part of us that can overlook his gross sexism, homophobia and racism. And the part of us that can gloss over his willingness to commit war crimes and embrace torture. And the part of us that can’t name any of his policies save the ones that state he’s going to cut taxes for millionaires and build a massive wall.
I’m talking about the part of us - that wicked, wicked part - that enjoys settling down with Doritos and dips to watch a slow motion train wreck (see also: Ed Balls’ Paso Doble). Obviously, I don’t really want Trump anywhere near the White House (I like a laugh as much as anyone, but am not so keen on stumbling through a nuclear winter), but is there not some way we can – I don’t know – maybe knock him out with powerful horse tranquilisers, install him in a fake Oval Office and White House - staffed with actors – and then have someone wake him up in a week’s time with the words: “Mr Trump, President Trump, it’s time for your morning briefing”. Naturally, hidden cameras would be filming the entire thing and broadcasting, Truman Show style, to the rest of the world.It would surely prove a ratings winner as actors/aides approach him with a series of problems in which he could display all of his famed negotiating skills: “Mr President, Mark Zuckerberg is on the phone wanting to declare war on the weather ”; “Mr President, we’ve just had word that Luxembourg have invaded the moon”; “Mr President, do we have your permission to hack into Angela Merkle?” I imagine he’d display all the diplomacy of one of those clowns that jump out of bushes to frighten children. I do, as a matter of fact, have a supply of horse tranquilisers, but I need to keep those for myself in case he somehow does actually win.