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Our Crack Tongue & Groove

the13.jpg What fresh hell is this?

If you’ve got £100,000 lying around and you fancy a visit to Macau, then why not stop at the “The 13”, the latest luxury hotel to open in China’s gambling capital. (Your £100,000 will get you precisely one night’s stay.)

I’ve got a general rule when it comes to sleeping somewhere that’s not home, and it’s this: never stop anywhere that’s worse than my house. (Given that my house is actually a flat, and my downstairs neighbours include two kids culled from the cast of The Children of the Damned, I’ve, admittedly, set a pretty low bar.)

Take camping for instance. You’ll never find me bedding down in, for what all intents and purposes is, a field, in something that has walls thinner than a Sainsbury’s Bag For Life. I like a bit of luxury when I’m stopping somewhere. I’m talking the chocolate on the pillow; the reassuringly expensive tubs of Pringles in the mini-bar; the free kettle that you’re definitely allowed to stick in your suitcase and take home with you.

But I have to draw the line at “The 13”, touted as “the most luxurious hotel ever built”. Located in Macau - which makes Las Vegas look like the amusements at Frinton-on-Sea - and costing $1.4 billion, it’s a monument to many things, not least the fact that betting in casinos results in wins so big for the house that they can actually afford to gold leaf your butler. The baroque monstrosity includes rooms (or “villas”) up to 30,000 square feet, and come with private elevators, Roman baths, velvet-canopied beds and Sistine Chapel style paintings (presumably showing Jesus looking beatifically down on his flock of venture capitalists).

The owner claims: “Thirteen is my lucky number and the name and the new logo fit perfectly with my vision.” Presumably his vision involved Zeus eating a batternberg cake shop and then throwing it all up over an 18th century Venetian brothel.