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Our Crack Tongue & Groove

kfcnail.jpg What fresh hell is this?

The fast food outlet KFC have launched a line of edible nail polish that tastes of its own fried chicken flavours. (Warning: I’m allowed to use the F-word three times a year and this article takes up a two thirds of my quota.)

There are some innovations that have you thinking, “Yep - that’s fulfilling a need. Why has no one ever thought of that before?” Wheels on suitcases for instance, or those hilarious Minion memes on Facebook. Conversely there are some doodads that are just so stupid that you can’t help but conclude - and I have a Scottish friend who puts it best - “Get tae fuck!” KFC edible nail polish is one such thing. And yes, I have tripled checked this story, and no, it wasn’t issued on 1 April. Apparently these limited-edition nail polishes come in two flavours, Original Recipe and Hot & Spicy, and are resplendent in shades of “pale nude” and “fiery orange”. Mmm...

But a couple of points arise: surely one of the chief properties of nail varnish is that it is supposed to stay, by and large, on your nails and not in your belly. Also, doesn’t common or garden nail varnish taste like Kentucky Fried Chicken anyway? (I was at a desperate house party once and when all the booze had gone - even the curdled dregs found in the bottom of a four year old bottle of Bailey’s - someone suggested switching to nail varnish as “it’s got a kick and tastes like KFC gravy”. DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME.) Thankfully both of these KFC nail varnishes are only available in Hong Kong so we’ll never actually get the chance to try out these finger lickin’ fuckin’ awful abominations for ourselves.