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Our Crack Tongue & Groove

whatsid.jpg What fresh hell is this?

Celebrity cruises are now, apparently, a thing. But would you fancy taking to the high seas with a Eurovision singer or an ELO guitarist…?

Cruises are rubbish at the best of times. Stuck in the bar with Tina and Graham from Yarmouth while they drone on about house prices and how they think that “David Cameron looks like a leader, doesn’t he?” is not my idea of fun, especially when every escape route involves the North Sea. And I can’t say I’m tempted by Cruise & Maritime Voyages’ latest offers that include an Easter Scottish Islands & Emerald Isle jaunt in the company of  - GET THIS! – Yazz (who had a hit in 1988 with The Only Way Is Up), Cannon (of comedy duo Cannon & Ball fame, a man who, as their website points out, was “voted out in the first round of 2005’s I’m a Celebrity… Get Me out of Here!”), Dave Morgan (that ELO guitarist), and Pam Rhodes (“best known for presenting Songs of Praise”). Guests will be treated to performances, interviews and the intriguingly put, “other celebrity entertainment”. Prices start from £525, which is based on two sharing an “inside cabin”. (Which begs the question: are not all cabins inside? Is it possible to take up a cheaper, outdoor offer, where they’ll string up a hammock between two funnels for you?) The Yazz/Cannon hybrid is not my favourite mini-break, however. That rosette goes to the Grand British Isles Discovery Cruise, which will see Dana (Eurovision chanteuse), Ann Widdecombe (Tory dreadnought) and – here’s the clincher – Syd Little (pictured) all sauntering up the Gangplank of Doom with you. Syd was the straight man of 80s comedy duo Little & Large, an act who were to comedy what Isis are to The Great British Bake Off. His partner, Eddie Large, was, allegedly, the funny one of the pair, in that he actually told jokes and did impressions. Little did precisely nothing which has piqued my interest no end. Just what “other celebrity entertainment” will he provide stuck on a boat with Ann Widdecombe and Dana? You can find out for £1,079 per person, which is based on two sharing an inside cabin…