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Our Crack Tongue & Groove

A girlfriend of mine once coyly asked me if I’d like to see her secret stash of toys and, being something of a strategist when it comes to the finer points of Ker-Plunk, I readily agreed. Needless to say however, her “toys” bore little relation to Hungry Hippos et al. (Although, curiously, she did own something called ‘Buckaroo’, but I certainly wouldn’t want to see it anywhere near an 8-year-old’s birthday party.) She was, of course, talking about “sex toys” but the words “sex” and “toy” shouldn’t even be in the same house, never mind in the same bed, right next to each other. It’s just creepy. And the news that another of these so-called “sex toys” has just been released by Big Teaze has had me reaching for my so-called “vomit bucket”. The press release describes it as a “new kind of home entertainment system for men” going on to state that it lets owners: “Customize their experience every time they use it with variable pressure, textures, temperature and techniques with an easy clean up”. It’s called, with an almost poignant amount of finesse, VërSpanken, and, apparently, is also “great for couple play”. I’ll stick with Jenga if you don’t mind. More fun and a lot easier to clear up after you’ve finished. RM