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Queer Editorial

blusher.jpg Blusher: No dogs (or babies) allowed…

He’s sleeping with his feet in the air! Now he’s woken up and has stolen a sock! He’s eaten the sock and puked green cotton! Adorable. Fast forward a few months, and another friend has a new dog, and a couple of friends and acquaintances have had babies. And sweet baby cheeses, they are now the most boring people I know. So can I hereby apologise publicly and profusely to everyone to whom we talked at about our dog. Sorry for ignoring that glazed look in your eye, and for determinedly crowbarring dog-talk back into conversations you had skillfully deflected onto more interesting topics. Newsflash to proud new parents out there: no one cares about your babies, furry or otherwise. Stop uploading your never-ending stream of poorly-shot photographs and stop updating Facebook with every mundane achievement (“she wiggled two toes today! TWO TOES!”). Unless you have a genuinely entertaining video of your new creature - and I’m talking several thousand YouTube views level of entertaining - then don’t upload it. I appreciate it can be difficult to judge true achievement when you’re dazzled by your own baby or puppy’s cuteness, so here’s a handy guide. Dog bark-singing a rendition of “Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weeny Yellow Polka Dot Bikini”: upload. Dog chasing a ball: don’t upload. Baby grabbing the wheel and driving your convertible through a back street strewn with washing lines then emerging, unscathed, wearing a dress and a baffled expression: upload. Baby sleeping: don’t upload. You’re welcome, world! MS