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Our Crack Tongue & Groove

whatfreshronaldo.jpg What fresh hell is this?

The Real Madrid footballer Cristiano Ronaldo has just stuck his name on a load of underpants. Knickers to that.

Imagine designing underpants for a living. What a daft faff on that must be. Tinkering with a bit of piping here, cutting the leg that bit higher there. What a monumental waste of everyone’s time. Still, fashion gonks put great store by such fluff, especially if a celebrity has stuck his or her name on them. (Imagine the level of intelligence of someone who troops off to H&M to buy a pair of pants just because David Beckham has wafted his metaphorical groin over them.) Anyway, now we learn that Cristiano Ronaldo is trying to make it big in the smalls market with his new range of scanties entitled CR7. He commented: “I put a lot of passion and dedication into creating this new underwear line,” which leads me to believe that not only do they keep his tackle snug, but these pants are actually causing him to talk bollocks, too. Just read that bit of PR puffery once again: “I put a lot of passion and dedication into creating this new underwear line…” The only repost I can think of to counter such nonsense is: DID YOU SHITE! Not unless you took inspiration from a Kays catalogue circa 1978 where men with blow-dried hair stood around in their underwear laughing at nothing, and clad, unless I’m very much mistaken, in monstrous pairs of pants which looked very much like these.