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Our Crack Little Crack
How was your Black Friday? Call me a soppy old sentimentalist, but I
prefer things the way they used to be (i.e. Black Friday circa 2016). In
2018 everything is far too sedate or online. I tell kids how we used to
fight, physically fight, in order to get the goods that we craved. My
fondest memory is of being in Asda when a woman tried to loosen my grip
on a 50-inch Toshiba telly by repeatedly punching me in the windpipe.
But they were different times back then. Happier times. (Did she get the
telly off me? Well let’s put it this way: when I’m watching ‘Pointless’
tonight, Richard Osman’s head will look satisfyingly massive.) I did
take the opportunity this Black Friday however, to troll my racist
relations. In the past, whenever I’ve mentioned the #BlackLivesMatter
movement on Twitter, they’ve inevitably responded with #AllLivesMatter.
So, last Friday, I tweeted them: “Are you shopping
for bargains today or do you think #AllFridaysMatter...?” Not one of
them responded. I don’t think they got it.