Our Crack Tongue & Groove
What fresh hell is this?
Picture the scene: I’ve been out with a young woman I like several times. We’ve had pub dates, we’ve been to the pictures to see the latest Tarantino, and I even agree to attend church with her on one occasion (“I’m not religious, I just like the singing”). But when I think we’re destined to become just good friends, and nothing more, she agrees to come back to mine for a nightcap. One amorous entanglement leads to another and we eventually find ourselves in the bedroom. Here she tugs down my jeans to reveal a sight so utterly repellent to herself that she immediately flees the scene, never to be heard from again. The offending article? A pair of underpants with ‘Donkey Kong’ emblazoned right across the front of them. Fair play to her, though, because WHAT ON EARTH WAS I THINKING?
Early 1980s videogame characters, no matter how ironically deployed, should never, ever, come within 10 feet of your genitals. Never! Especially if you’re hoping to get said genitals anywhere near anyone else’s. It’s a lesson I learned the hard way, but it’s a lesson that apparently needs to be relearned by each new generation. Case in point are the absolute dolts who have been purchasing this new suit which, for some unfathomable reason, has been festooned with Pac-Men. They are not funny, they are not cute and they definitely won’t get you the girl. Yes, you may have a laugh while wearing one for about a second, but then you’ll have to spend the rest of the day looking like an absolute tit. A tit bereft of amorous entanglements at that.