Our Crack Tongue & Groove
What fresh hell is this?
Back in the 1980s Robin Williams used to say that developing a cocaine habit was God’s way of saying that you’re making way too much money. How quaint. The concept of “having way too much money” would seem utterly ridiculous to today’s brigands of capitalism, who wash their cocaine down with cocktails that cost the price of people carriers and are infused with the tears of extinct animals. No doubt this is the target demographic for these new globes that have been put together by someone calling herself ‘The Queen Of Snow Globes’ for a website calling itself VeryFirstTo.com; a site which, as far as I can tell, exists to flog offensively overpriced muck and tat to arseholes. The justification for the price tag is that ‘The Queen Of Snow Globes’ has stuck a few diamonds in with the fake snow, which you can see sparkle when you shake it. Big woo hoo. For £3,270 I’d want a snow globe big enough to rent out to 20-somethings who can’t afford the deposit on a mortgage. The diamonds are not all you get, however. The design also includes an engraved base featuring your own personal message or family crest (FAMILY CREST!) and – GET THIS! – the “sculpture” inside the globe (ie the little plastic figures who look like they’ve wandered in from a Hornby train set) can be modelled on your own family. Presumably ‘The Queen Of Snow Globes’ has a box full of chinless tossers that she simply modifies depending on hair colour, height and shallowness of soul. This snow globe doesn’t represent the over commercialisation of Christmas. It represents Christmas’s kids being kidnapped, sold into slavery and then starved to death in a dank cellar.