Our Crack Tongue & Groove
That was 2012…
The continuing existence of Mumford & Sons
If boffins rigged up some ultra sensitive audio equipment that could record the sounds made by inanimate objects - and then proceeded to torture a waistcoat - it would sound like Mumford & Sons.
Became the poster boy for tax avoidance when it was revealed that he funnels all of his earnings into overseas accounts. It’s a pity that he doesn’t keep his jokes offshore, too.
50 Shades of Grey
Or: The Dummies Guide To Kinky. And who would have thought that so many people would be aroused by a book featuring characterisation thinner than Lidl’s own brand toilet paper, and a prose style that makes Jeffrey Archer look like James Joyce? Professed to be “erotic literature” but was neither (although the audio version read by Stephen Hawking is pretty hot).
Will people stop saying “No pressure” when, in actual fact, they mean “Lots of pressure” to wit: “Jessica Ennis has got the eyes of the nation on her as she goes for gold tonight – no pressure”; “On this week’s X-Factor I’m singing one of Queen’s most loved songs – no pressure”; “As I pundit I need to think of something to say that’s completely original and not steeped in pointless unoriginality – no pressure”.
Rape turning out to be a gift from God
A whole phalanx of Republicans lined up in 2012 to spout a stream of never-ending bollocks concerning rape: “I think even when life begins in that horrible situation of rape, that it is something that God intended” – Richard Mourdock; “Victims of ‘legitimate rape’ don’t get pregnant” - Todd Atkin; “Some girls rape easy” - Douglas Henry. MPs in the UK weren’t immune either with George Galloway accusing Julian Assange of nothing more than “bad sexual etiquette” regarding his rape allegations.
Pippa Middleton’s “Celebrate” book
The vacuous “party organiser” released this waste-of-space book that purported to let you in on the secrets of organising a do. It contained gems such as: “Tea bags should go in the teapot, rather than individually in mugs” and “When hosting a party, move any clutter from the space when you’re entertaining”. Trees died for this.
“Somebody That I Used To Know” – this monster (and monstrous) single was 2012’s entry into the ongoing competition to find The Worst Piece Of Recorded Sound ever. “It sounds a bit like Sting” is not a compliment.
The Floating Pageant
Hundreds of vessels sailed up The Thames for the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee in this real damp squib. And no wonder the BBC received so many complaints about their coverage; they didn’t even tell us who won.
England vs Italy
England were embarrassingly outclassed yet again in a major football tournament going out, invariably, on penalties to Italy. But never mind practising spot-kicks, how about practising passing the ball to each other?
Wonga, Speedy Cash, Pounds 2 Day, Dosh Express, Quick Quid, Cash Wave, Open Door Loans, Handy Cash etc. The first law of economics: The more matey sounding the name of a firm is, the more punitive the rate of repayments will be.
The Word magazine shutting down
One of the best music magazines in the UK – a kind of Smash Hits for Jethro Tull fans - shut up shop. Boo!
The Olympics font
The Olympics were great but the font was awful. It tried to be hip, edgy and down with the kids, but was the typeface equivalent of Louis Walsh pretending to be into dubstep. They may as well have put a backward baseball cap on every letter and had done with it.
Where do you start? How about the fact that they seem to think that nothing is worth doing in this country – from healthcare to education to policing – unless someone, somewhere, is making a profit out of it.
The Liberal Democrats
Told us they’d act as a spanner in the spokes of the Tories, slowing down their most egregious policies, but instead helped facilitate a turbo-charged Thatcherite agenda. The Lib Dems are, in actual fact, the KY Jelly of the coalition, a lubricant helping the Tories to royally shaft us all.