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Blusher: No dogs (or babies) allowed…
He’s sleeping with his feet in the air! Now he’s woken up and has
stolen a sock! He’s eaten the sock and puked green cotton! Adorable.
Fast forward a few months, and another friend has a new dog, and a
couple of friends and acquaintances have had babies. And sweet baby
cheeses, they are now the most boring people I know. So can I hereby
apologise publicly and profusely to everyone to whom we talked at about
our dog. Sorry for ignoring that glazed look in your eye, and for
determinedly crowbarring dog-talk back into conversations you had
skillfully deflected onto more interesting topics. Newsflash to proud
new parents out there: no one cares about your babies, furry or
otherwise. Stop uploading your never-ending stream of poorly-shot
photographs and stop updating Facebook with every mundane achievement
(“she wiggled two toes today! TWO TOES!”). Unless you have a genuinely
entertaining video of your new creature - and I’m talking several
thousand YouTube views level of entertaining - then don’t upload it. I
appreciate it can be difficult to judge true achievement when you’re
dazzled by your own baby or puppy’s cuteness, so here’s a handy guide.
Dog bark-singing a rendition of “Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weeny Yellow Polka
Dot Bikini”: upload. Dog chasing a ball: don’t upload. Baby grabbing the
wheel and driving your convertible through a back street strewn with
washing lines then emerging, unscathed, wearing a dress and a baffled
expression: upload. Baby sleeping: don’t upload. You’re welcome, world!